Reflection

I have been writing so many drafts for the past few weeks, none of which I have deemed good enough to post.

This all started with a post on Hamilton, back in July. Then on COVID anxieties in August. Job interview extravaganza in September. Finding a job in October. The Queen’s Gambit analysis last month… and here we are. I think I have written 6 different versions of this very post every day this week.

The pandemic hit us all like a ton of bricks. At first, I thought this was great. I was going to have some time to fine tune the things I like, my writing included. The more time passes, the less I notice myself wasting time. Don’t get me wrong, the past few months have been incredibly productive, but not in ways I was expecting them to be. I chose a fantastic time to get out into the world.

The biggest struggle through it all has been my consistent burning need to be perfect. I had somehow convinced myself my entire life that everything must be just right or none of it would matter. I am a perfectionist. I always have been, and I guess I always will be. I found myself working a job that was so far out of the plan I had put for myself, without any real clarity about moving forward, and while I was very happy, I was also very anxious. I was living day by day rather than planning things out long-term like I usually do, and I had no idea if this was going to stick or not. And it drove me insane.

The past few weeks specifically have been transformative. I have been spending a lot of time working, and even more time questioning my priorities. I found myself thinking a lot about the future again, what comes next, and what I want to do with my life, but with a clearer more realistic lense. I stopped thinking of things in time blocks like I used to, where one thing would come first and then the next. Rather, I began thinking of things more fluidly. I want to do this, I want to do that, the order of which does not matter as long as I do them.

So… as King George from Hamilton says, “what comes next?” Many things. Getting my Master’s degree (if I get in somewhere), finishing up a book I’ve been writing (which I’m very excited about), setting out more time for this blog (I haven’t given up on it, I promise), and more. The order in which they happen is all up in the air, and for once in my life I am not bothered by it.

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